27. January 2022 - New Year - New Me?

I started the new year determined to be more positive and to find my way back to happier times. This did not start well as my white blood counts are still too low and so I am still unable to take my Methotrexate resulting in continued pain and inflammation in almost all of my joints. The knock on effect means that I am still unable to exercise and so self medicate with bad food which doesn't help, it only aggravates the symptoms and makes me even more schlumpy.

Following further blood tests my Rheumatology Nurse calls again to say my count has dropped even further and suggests a course of steroids to help ease my symptoms. I hate the thought of taking steroids as I really don’t want to put on any more weight but I’m feeling so bad and I am worried about the damage that is happening to my joints so I reluctantly agree to try them. O.M.G!!! They are miracle workers! Within a couple of days the pain is easing and I am able to move much more freely. I now realise just how bad I have been and the relief is just amazing. My mood lifts and I can actually start to visualise returning to work and getting my life back on track. It’s extraordinary how different I feel - chronic pain is so debilitating and has obviously hindered my general recovery. I think if I hadn’t been in so much pain, maybe I wouldn’t have got so depressed and may not have needed medication to help lift my mood.

In my new, pain free, mindset I decide to take the bull by the horns and start to move my life forward. I buy a new recipe book ‘A Pinch of Nom’ and plan a week of menus, write a shopping list, devise an exercise programme, order new exercise clothing as my current ones no longer fit and start to look forward to a new future.

Obviously, this being me,nothing ever goes to plan. I succumb to a hideous flu type bug - definitely not Covid - but it floors me for 2 weeks. I have a sore throat, cough, headache and all the usual cold symptoms and feel dreadful. After a week I also get conjunctivitis so contact my GP as I know I have to be careful with infection. He immediately starts me on a course of antibiotics which soon pick me up but I am left totally deaf in my right ear. My GP says there is nothing I can do as there is no infection - just inflammation, which can take 3 weeks to settle!

The result of this is that I had to delay the start of my new healthy routine but I eventually manage to create my new dinner recipes - all low calorie but really tasty. Unfortunately, now that the steroids have finished, my joints are starting to flare again which is frustrating. My mood has dipped again and I just can not summon the wherewithal to start exercising. I really try but I just can’t find the energy or drive to do anything. I know if I could push through I would feel better but I just can’t. I know I need to do something about this so I contact my PT Charlie. I know that if I book to train with her I will HAVE to do it as I would feel too guilty if I cancelled. While I am in no condition to do anything crazy like HIIT or EMOM I ask if she would be prepared to do a gentle half hour total body workout just to get me moving again. Being the angel she is, she kindly agrees and now I am all booked to go on Monday morning - I am nervous and excited all at once and I know I will want to cancel the closer it gets - but I won’t. This is just what I need.

On a happier note, my white cells have improved a lot and I was able to restart my Methotrexate this week - albeit at a very low dose. I am starting on 7.5mg and I was on 22.5mg before chemo so I’m not expecting much in the short term - but if my white cells remain high I can increase the dose and hopefully eventually keep the flare ups at bay.

I had further good news when I went for my Herceptin treatment this week, I have lost 2kg! This gave me a real buzz, hopefully it will continue to go the right way - just another 18kg to go! Keeping with the physical theme, I am delighted to say that my eyelashes are starting to grow back - they are still short but I’m hoping they will soon look long and luscious. My eyebrows are also returning slowly and I am helping them along with a great product from Benefit. I’m not a fan of those big, thick, drawn on eyebrows. I like mine to look natural and like real hair so I use Benefit Brow Micro Filling Pen. It is brilliant, and so simple to use - even me with my ridiculous manual dexterity can do it - I thoroughly recommend. My hair continues to get thicker if not particularly longer. It is slightly curly and I am now channelling Servalan from Blakes 7 for those old enough to remember her! I have even ventured out without a scarf, turban or hat!

As we reach the end of January I have taken the plunge and contacted my Manager at work. I have agreed to close my sick leave on 27th February. I will take the whole of March off as annual leave (I have a full year's allocation to take before 31st March 2022) and will then do a phased return from 4th April. I’m not sure how I feel about this really, I have to go back obviously, it certainly won’t be easy but hopefully by then I will be in a much better place mentally.

I have been trying to think of the positives that have come from this horrible time, to try to give myself some perspective. So here goes:

1. I have more friends than I thought.

2. My family have been awesome and we are all much closer.

3. I have a much closer relationship with my mum who has been my rock throughout everything.

4. I have the best friends who care for me so much. I have had so many messages of support from so many people - some expected, some very unexpected but all very gratefully received.

5. I feel more loved than I ever thought possible.

6. I have an employer that has financially supported me through extended sick leave which has enabled us to live without added money worries.

7. I live in a country that provides free medical treatment which has enabled me to receive the best care from the best medical team.

So, it’s onwards and upwards into February - let’s see what this month brings. And life carries on.