1. TALES OF TILLY - LIFE CARRIES ON

Hello, thank you for visiting my blog, it is a retrospective history of my journey over the last few months, retrospective because I didn't think to write it before but as I've sat here going through my treatment I felt it would be useful to me to document what has happened but also, hopefully, it may help either you or someone you love that may find themselves going through the same situation.

My wonderful friend T Has kindly read through and has helped edit my efforts - she is a teacher so obviously knows what she is doing and I am very grateful to her. She has pointed out that sometimes I write from the heart and it's quite emotional and other times I revert to very clinical language with no emotion at all. I think these are the times when I find it most difficult and retreat into myself because it was so difficult to process at the time and even now I still don't quite believe it's happened, is still happening or even what has actually happened to me - so my coping mechanism is to remove any emotion from the situation and just deal with it very clinically and very pragmatically - it's not something I can change I just have to deal with it but I hope I have managed to adjust some of the writing so that it is helpful to anyone who needs to understand the process better.

For clarification, Tilly is the name my daughter and I gave to the tumour, (I still struggle to accept, understand or even process that I had a tumour) but it may help you to understand what makes me tick that we are able to call her Tilly the Tumour - well Sophie calls her Tilly the Tit Lump but I’m much more refined!

I would also take this moment to say please, please, please regularly check your boobs, male or female, - get to know what is normal for you so that you know immediately when something is abnormal.

9th March 2021

My day had been pretty normal - I had been to work and then to work out with my lovely PT Charlie and felt that my life was beginning to return to normal.

I had a difficult 2020, as had a lot of people due to the pandemic. I was classed as Clinically Vulnerable due to my Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) and so had to shield from March to August. Thankfully I managed to return to work in August thanks to my amazing work colleagues who ensured I was protected from Covid exposure as much as possible and were completely supportive with everything.

So now I was back at work, seriously considering whether to begin face-to-face patient work again, and my personal training was coming on in leaps and bounds - life was good!

Until I had a post-workout shower. I was sitting on my bed drying myself and as I pulled the towel under my left arm and across my chest I felt it. A lump. It was positioned to the left of my nipple, was long, not round, quite firm, and for whatever reason I knew it wasn't supposed to be there. I froze. How could it have appeared so suddenly? I'm sure I would have noticed it before had it been there. How could this be happening? We have no history of cancer in our family, I'm the fittest and healthiest I've ever been! What is going on?

I immediately did an e-Consult form to my GP surgery and, amazingly, my GP called me straight back and arranged for me to visit the surgery that evening. He was so lovely but he agreed that, whilst it was probably nothing, it did warrant further investigation so he referred me to the breast clinic at my local hospital. He said I would hear within a day or so and sent me on my way.

I wasn't ready to tell my family yet - why frighten everyone if it's just a cyst!

I didn't touch the lump again. Ever. I just tried to behave normally until I had further news - but actually I felt quite lost inside - but life carries on.