18. Hair Loss

This is a strange one - when I first got my diagnosis and was told I would definitely need chemo, hair loss was my worst fear - even more than dying. It’s the one thing that played on my mind and struck fear into my heart. I would be a visible cancer victim. I’m not the most attractive of girls so having a bald head and no eyelashes or eyebrows was not going to improve my lot! Hair is just so important to women - we are not meant to be bald - we all know the difference it makes to our lives if we have a good or indeed a bad hair day. I was terrified.

I’m a redhead. I’ve always been a redhead - it defines me. For all the added problems it brings such as sunburn, freckles etc it is special to me. I am 54 but still have long red hair - how do you go from that to nothing? And then there is the additional worry of how it will grow back? Will I be grey, will it be curly - will I see a stranger every time I catch sight of myself? I was just so scared that the Julie that was will be lost forever - and I didn’t want to meet this newly aged grey and old person. I don’t feel old, I’m told I look and act younger than my years but I had the distinct feeling that I would come out the other end of this nightmare looking 20 years older and feeling like a stranger.

So what to do? My lovely mum bought me a fabulous wig, but that comes with its own issues. They are hot and uncomfortable and to me it still looks like a wig. Maybe once I’m over the treatment it will come into its own. Mum has been generous and supportive enough to assure me it doesn’t matter if I never wear it - she just wants me to have the option there and have one less thing to worry about. We also researched and invested in false eyelashes and eyebrow transfers just to be prepared. It helps me to be doing something to try to regain some control.

I have to say the closer I got to my chemo the less I started to care about losing my hair. I was in the middle of a complete 180 - it just didn’t seem important any more. I was loving my new pixie haircut and just wasn’t that worried any more - it’s a really strange feeling - it was so important and all I could think about and now I really don’t care at all!

So……to Cold Cap or not to Cold Cap?

This is a process you can opt for although it does seem to be pretty hit and miss - but if it works you do keep your hair. Initially there was no doubt in my mind that I would do it but, again the closer I got to D (or should I say C) Day the more it was bothering me. It’s quite a complex procedure, it adds around 2 hours to your appointment and can be hideously uncomfortable and painful. More and more I was contemplating not doing it and to just take my chances. I explained my fears to my daughter who understood but still thought it might be worth a try - particularly as I was so worried about hair loss initially but I couldn’t decide.

Luckily I work with a lovely Mammographer who, as a part of her training, had to follow a patient right through her treatment and she has seen these contraptions at close quarters. She made a point of coming to see me to talk about them and was adamant that she would never use one - she said they are horrific to see and rarely work fully as if it’s not fitted absolutely correctly you can get partial hair loss where the cap hasn’t been flush to the scalp. Interestingly, she told me that Addenbrookes have stopped offering them due to their unreliability. So that pretty much made up my mind - no Cold Cap for me! Mind you, if you read comments on MacMillan or other support groups people have used them successfully, some say it wasn’t as bad as they expected and some found them awful to use - so you get the info and make your own choice.

My Oncologist had already told me that the chemo I would be on would definitely cause hair loss and it would probably happen on the 2nd cycle and be fairly rapid. However, on week 4 of my 1st cycle ( I had an extra week due to the problems I had experienced which I will document in a later post ) my head became very sore - like severe prickly sunburn and my hair started coming out in handfuls - and I really didn’t care. It was almost a relief - apart from the fact I was so enjoying my lovely pixie cut! Considering how fast it was falling out I’m surprised that I only lost about 85%. I’ve just had Cycle 5 and still have the remaining 15%. I am shedding some as you would naturally but now bear an uncanny resemblance to Johnny Depp in Fantastic Beasts and where to find them - how lovely!

Somewhere along the line I have lost most of my pubic hair. I don’t know where or how. I didn’t see it go and there’s no evidence of those short and curlies in my bed or my underwear - it literally disappeared overnight - leaving my neat little lady garden looking like a scrubby and abandoned wasteland.

I have kept my eyebrows and eyelashes - which is probably why I haven’t minded the head hair loss quite so much as I still look normal facially - although when I do my make up I do look like a drag artist before they put on their wig……..

My underarm hair has gone but my leg hair is growing as much as normal - it’s all so weird and just another part of this ridiculous period in my life.