21. 16th August - 5th September 2021 - Cycle 4

I see today as the beginning of the end of my chemo treatment. When I originally saw my Oncologist he said that he wanted me to have 6 cycles of chemo, but as the Docetaxel is such a harsh drug I may only manage 4. Obviously this would never have been the case as I was always going to have the 6 cycles regardless of how horrific they were, so reaching Cycle 4 is quite a milestone as after this one I just have 2 to go - and I can do that!

My Oncologist calls me to discuss everything and confirms that I have now been written up for the full 6 cycles. He says my bloods are really good, my Neutrophils are 1.44, again still low but acceptable for treatment, I am Covid free so I start my steroids and get set for Cycle 4 tomorrow. He says he will write to his colleague at Addenbrookes Hospital to arrange my radiotherapy so that by the time I finish my chemo I should have dates for the next stage of my treatment.

I arrive at the hospital and go through the usual pre-treatment checks. My temperature and BP are fine but my weight has gone up again. I mean, I knew it probably had as I can see what I look like, but seeing the number on the scales is still upsetting.

This is one of the harder things I am trying to deal with away from the actual chemo side effects. After a lifetime of disliking my body and shape and always feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, I was just starting to see a difference. I trained hard, ate well and loved being fit, healthy and able to wear the sorts of clothes I always wanted to. It’s not that I have ever been incredibly overweight, but I do tend to carry extra on my bottom and hips and have always struggled to find clothes that fit on top as well as on the bottom. I’ve never really had too much of a belly, my boobs were firm and I had worked hard to get slim and muscular arms (not like a bodybuilder). Now all that work is coming undone, I feel so unfit, I have a huge belly and am heavier than I have ever been. I try not to dwell on it, there is nothing I can do about it at the moment but it absolutely does bother me. I just don’t recognise the old, almost bald, fat person in the mirror and despite reassurance from everyone, I’m really not sure if I will ever get the old ‘new’ me back again. I know the side effects of the oral medication I will be put on after the chemo and I know that this weight isn’t going to be easy to shift. I wish I could just accept this, after all at least I am alive and my prognosis is excellent, but it just makes me so sad and is on my mind almost constantly.

My treatment is completed without incident and I return home to await the inevitable side effects which start on Day 2 with the usual nausea, flushed face and metallic taste in my mouth. Days 3 to 6 we add the bloated, painful tummy and the tiredness but on Day 7 I have a little reprieve and feel a little bit better. I manage to do some washing (I know, living the dream) and have a little potter around but of course everything is back with avengence for Days 8 to 12 as this brings the added gift of sore, painful joints too.

On Day 13 we have a family get together at my little brother’s house. There are 15 of us, all in the garden and all socially distanced from me. We had such a wonderful day, playing silly games, eating wonderful food and just generally laughing and enjoying each others company. It did me the absolute world of good and helped me forget everything for just a few hours. Of course, there was a price to pay, and my normally good days from 14 to 20 found me extraordinarily tired and just generally under the weather - but it was so worth it! And life carries on.