23. 28th September - 18th October 2021 - Cycle 6. I Made It!

It’s the night before my final chemo treatment and I can not sleep. Partly due to the steroids and partly due to a myriad of emotions running through my head. Obviously I am happy to be finishing my chemo treatment but at the same time I am not scared exactly, but definitely very nervous of finishing. I worry whether the chemo is just holding the cancer at bay and if we stop will it come back? This is completely irrational, and I know how stupid it sounds, but having chemo gives you a lovely little safety net and even though I know I will be continuing with other treatments, chemotherapy is the one that we all recognise as ‘the’ cancer treatment. Whilst I hate being on it I know that it has been doing it’s magic and I am anxious about stopping.

I am also worried about how I will be perceived once the chemo has ended. During treatment everyone accepts and understands that you will be poorly, that there will be hair loss etc, and they behave towards you in a certain way as my treatment side effects are visible. I’m scared (again irrationally) that people will expect me to recover quickly and will expect more from me than I am able to give. After all, my chemo has finished. I should be fine now….. Obviously, no one that I love and care about thinks like this and I have no wish to be around anyone else that does - but, alone in the early hours of the morning, you get a lot of weird thoughts and it does affect you.

I arrive at the hospital and have my usual checks and, yes, of course I have put on weight again! My treatment is completed without incident, just 2 attempts at cannulation and I am soon ready to go. It feels strange to just leave the department without any acknowledgement of the significance of the moment but I guess as I will still be coming every 3 weeks for my Trastuzumab injection it sort of loses the drama and I just leave quietly and go home.

Day 2 and I wake up not feeling too bad. It’s a beautiful day and not too warm and I go on a lovely dog walk with Sophie - it does me the world of good but I pay the price later as it completely wipes me out. I even fall asleep in the afternoon which I rarely do - but I’m still glad I did it. I am feeling very nauseous but am taking all my anti sickness meds and I know things will probably get worse over the next few days.

I am right and Cycle 6 hits with a vengeance in Days 3 to 6 and I get the whole gamut of symptoms. My tummy is sore, my joints ache, I’m tired, my mouth is sore, and I just feel generally awful. I keep reminding myself that this is the final time that I will feel like this, but it’s so hard to remain positive when you feel so poorly. I start to pick up on Days 7 to 9 but my mouth is still so sore and everything still tastes revolting - I can’t wait for that to go! I am also fed up with my long straggly comb over so Sophie shaved my head today - not completely - I think it would be classed as a number 2 or 3 - but as I don’t really know what either of those is I can’t say for certain. I do know that i quite

On Day 10 I have a little trip out to visit a very dear friend. He did an LFT before I arrived, we socially distanced and I felt very safe. It was so lovely to see him and being out for the first time in months was amazing and despite not feeling brilliant it certainly perked me up and was better than any medicine.

Day 11 brings me the revelation that the chemo is over and that once I'm through the next few days I will not have to go through it again, hopefully ever. It actually sinks into my brain and I feel a little euphoric. I’m starting to see a way out of this nightmare and feel better than I have for some time.

Days 14 to 18 are quite busy for me, starting with a trip to Addenbrookes hospital for my Radiotherapy planning CT. I am a little nervous, but only because I have a bit of knowledge about CT scans and I’m worried it may show up something nasty that we don’t know is there. This is completely ridiculous because the chemo will have blasted away anything untoward but I seem to like worrying about things that don’t need worrying about! It’s a bit of a road trip for mum and I as we don’t really know where we are going and mum isn’t a very confident driver on new routes but, feeling a bit like Thelma and Louise we set off. The journey is actually pretty straight forward and we arrive in plenty of time for my appointment, which is just as well as the Radiotherapy department is a long trek from the car park! I book in at reception and am given a number of forms to fill in. I am called almost immediately but only to have a Covid test - it seems a strange time to do it as I am already in the department! They are running slightly late but I am eventually called through. I am familiar with how the CT scanner looks and works so that part isn’t daunting but for some reason I am still a little anxious. The first thing they need to do is weigh me and I’m sure it will come as no surprise to any of you that I have once again put on weight. Honestly it’s just ridiculous! I’m like a little blow up toy that keeps having more and more air put in - I will be rolling along soon!

There are 3 radiographers in the room who explain what will happen. I remove the top half of my clothing and lay on the couch. I raise my arms over my head to hold onto a bar which helps to keep you steady. The radiographers take various body measurements to ensure that my position will be exactly the same when my treatment starts. They measure where my hips are, where my neck rests, top of my shoulders etc and the couch will be set to these positions every time. They also take measurements of my breast with arrested breathing, shallow breath in etc to ensure the scan covers the appropriate area and they make various marks on my chest with a black sharpie pen. Honestly the glamour never stops! They leave the room and the scan starts. It is completely painless and nothing touches you, it is just imperative to stay perfectly still to avoid distorted images. The scan is completed in a few minutes and I am asked to take a seat outside whilst they are reviewed with the Dr in charge of planning the radiotherapy. After 10 minutes I am called back in to repeat the scan using a breath holding technique. This is to ensure my heart is out of the way and is quite common for left sided breast cancers - the last thing I need is a big dose of radiation to my heart! This time we practice the breathing technique before the scan starts and new measurements are taken so it is important to take the same size breath each time. The scan starts and I am instructed to breathe in and out twice and then breathe in and hold. The radiographer counts slowly through the intercom 1,2,3 etc. At 20 I am struggling a bit, by 30 I am about to burst - it’s so hard to just hold the breath steady. The process is repeated 3 or 4 times and when the scan is complete the radiographer explains that during treatment I won’t have to hold my breath for more than 20 seconds. This is just as well as this is the most my lungs have worked in the last 6 months! They are happy with the images and I am free to go. We decide to stop for lunch at a little garden centre on the way home - this is my first real foray into public life and although a little nervous I feel quite safe. I am well away from other people and lunch is delicious! I am absolutely shattered when we get home, I can barely make it from the car to the house. I fall asleep almost immediately - that’s how exciting my life is - I can’t cope with a car journey and lunch out - I find this quite amusing in a ‘dear God above, what has my life become?’ kind of way.

The next day I sadly have to attend a funeral for a dear family friend. I use the opportunity to practice my driving, it’s a short journey and one I know well so I feel I will be quite safe as will the other road users! My head has just been too distracted to continue driving during chemo so it’s quite a big thing for me to start again. All goes well and the funeral was quite beautiful. I don’t stay for the wake and confidently drive back home.

Day 16 brings a morning at the hospital for a repeat of my TTE, plus Covid and blood tests and then on Day 17 I have a longer drive out through the country to view a hotel we are considering for my mum’s 80th birthday in December. I take Sophie with me and despite being a little nervous I really enjoyed the drive, it’s lovely to feel a bit more normal. Day 18 brings notification of my radiotherapy sessions - we are all set to start at the beginning of November, until then I need to rest, recover and start to intensively moisturise my left breast! And life carries on.