25. 1st November - 5th November - Radiotherapy

I didn’t sleep too well last night - partly due to constant hot flushes and partly due to apprehension at what this week may bring. I don’t think I really believe that I will have an adverse reaction to radiotherapy but the worry is still there. I have 5 treatments planned and am really grateful that it is only 5 and not the 10 or 15 it would have been if this new research had not been done. I have arranged with various friends and family to taxi me to and from Addenbrookes hospital - it is about an hour each way, which I probably could manage at a push but as they have all said, why put myself through that if they all want to help out?

Day 1 is the turn of my BFF D - the appointment is at 0906hrs (they are very precise with their appointment times!). I am picked up at 0740hrs and we have a very pleasant journey over. The car park is a fair walk from the department but we arrive just before 9am. Unfortunately, the screens show that they are already running 20 minutes late. I am called through to the same room that I had my planning CT and there is another team of 3 radiographers. They are very friendly and I strip off my top half and lay on the couch. Everything has been set to the measurements taken at my planning CT and they take a few minutes to ensure that all the lasers line up and I am in the perfect position. It is very cold in the room, which is necessary as the scanner throws out so much heat it needs to be kept as cool as possible. I just lie there with my hands over my head and follow the breathing instructions that the radiographer calls out over the intercom. Luckily I only need to hold my breath for 20 seconds and not the 30 we did in practice! The scan takes about 10 minutes and I am soon off the table and leaving the department. I have no problems, my breast feels fine, my skin looks ok and I make sure I thoroughly moisturise the whole area twice a day as directed.

Days 2 and 3 are the turn of my other BFF J. The appointment times are 1312hrs and 1130hrs respectively and we arrive early for both as you can never be sure of the traffic. Luckily I was seen straight away and was in, out and finished before my actual appointment time both days! My shoulders are hurting quite a bit due to being above my head for so long and my joints not being great but other than a slight redness and a bit of itching, my breast is fine.

Day 4 falls to my big brother and it’s lovely to have a catch up on the way - despite it being another early one at 0906am again. I send Mike off to the cafe where he happily indulges in a sausage bap and I go through for treatment. All goes well and we are on our way home again within about half an hour. Once again I am glad that I opted for the 5 day treatment as I am already tired and fed up with the daily journey and can’t imagine how hard the 10 or 15 days must be. When I get home I get ready for an appointment in the Breast Clinic, which is my first follow up since diagnosis. I am tired but decide to keep the appointment as I do want to see my Consultant Miss D just to catch up and so that I can discuss how I have been with someone removed from everything, but who is also caring and will understand what I mean. I arrive for my 2.30pm appointment and sit in the waiting room. It brings back a few feelings from when I was first here but I’m ok. As always the clinic is running late and I am eventually called through at 4pm! It is a bit of a shock when I do not see Miss D in the room, but rather the Locum SpR who upset me so much on my initial visit. I do understand why I am seeing her, mine is a straightforward follow up and Miss D may be seeing a really poorly patient or someone newly diagnosed, but I’m not happy about it. To be fair the Dr does seem to be trying to be more amenable. She exclaims how proud I should be at how far I’ve come but it all sounds very false. She eagerly says ‘so you have finished your radiotherapy?’ No,the last one is tomorrow. She then says ‘oh ok - and then you will start chemo?’ Now I am sitting there in a stupid turban/scarf thing - who would wear one of those if they hadn’t been through chemo and lost their hair? No one, that’s who, because they look ridiculous! I just gave her one of my looks and said that no, I had finished chemo. She dithers about a bit more looking at my notes and then asks to examine me and seems happy with how my breast looks. I would honestly defy anyone to even know that I have had surgery - the scar is almost invisible and I have to dampen the desire to show it off to all and sundry - no one wanted to see my boobs before cancer and I’m sure nobody wants to see them now, so I content myself with just showing Sophie, who appears to be just as impressed as me - although she is an actress so who really knows?

Once the examination is complete we sit back down and the Dr says that I will be called back for a mammogram in March 2022 but then says something really weird and concerning. She says that obviously they will keep a close eye on my right side as there is more chance that it will return on that side. Excuse me, what? I was told that all this treatment meant that the chances of it returning was miniscule. I realise there is always some chance, which is why I am observed for 5 years, but I was totally under the impression that it had been caught early and treated appropriately and would be highly unlikely to return. No one at any time has ever mentioned the increased risk of it happening in my right breast! She starts backtracking and tells me not to worry about it, if I get through the first 2 years I’ll be back to normal etc etc and then literally dismisses me! Once again I leave the Breast Clinic in tears, I am so confused and so tired from the radiotherapy that I am a bit over emotional - goodness knows what the poor ladies in the waiting room thought as I walked by! Within the space of 5 minutes I have been reduced to a sobbing wreck - and I’m also angry! Once I’ve calmed down and spoken to mum and told the rest of my little support group, I can start to put it all into perspective. I’m sure Miss D or Mr V would have mentioned this if it was of any significance and I’m no worse off today than I was yesterday before she opened her silly mouth. She may well be right but it’s not something I need to dwell on, I can’t change anything so it’s not worth worrying about - I just wish I hadn’t bothered making the effort to attend in the first place!

Day 5 is a late one at 1548hrs and my husband takes me this time. They are running a little late and unfortunately the cafe isn’t open but I manage to direct him to the on site Costa so he can happily drink coffee and eat toasties while he waits. My treatment is completed without incident and when it is finished the radiographer asks if my family has planned anything special to celebrate the end of treatment. I just laugh sarcastically because obviously they haven’t - I tell myself it’s because I still have 8 months of Trastuzumab to go - but it would have been nice if they had thought about it. To mark the occasion myself I order a chinese and open a bottle of wine. My family may not be good at knowing what and when to celebrate but they have been awesome in so many other ways so I guess they must be forgiven. And life carries on.