4. 29th March 2021 - THAT Phone Call.

The last few days have passed pretty normally, it still feels rather surreal and I feel in a bit of a haze, but I'm ok.

Today I was having my PT session, lifting some heavy weights and enjoying myself, when my phone started to ring. I saw the number and knew I would have to take the call. It was my Breast Care Nurse, Vanessa, who informed me that my pathology results had come through and did I want to get them over the phone? I took a deep breath and just asked her to tell me. 'I'm so sorry, Julie, it is malignant but it has not spread to your lymph nodes. I will organise your follow up appointment for the 8th April but do call if you need anything at all, we are all here for you'. At this point she also tells me to stop taking my Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) immediately as it will just be feeding Tilly - and she needs to starve!

I thanked Vanessa for her time, turned to Charlie and just calmly told her the news. She was so upset and just wanted to hug me - but Covid restrictions meant we couldn't - I think this is one of the hardest things for me - I'm a hugger and I'm missing them so much. I already knew that this would be the result so I said we should just carry on with my workout - stopping won't change anything and I need to pack in as many sessions as possible before any treatment starts! She calls me a warrior and says I'm the strongest woman she knows. I feel strangely calm - almost numb - obviously it hasn't really hit me yet - and wouldn't for some time.

When I got home I once again sat John and Sophie down to break the news. I could see the pain in their eyes - the slight drop of the shoulders and a glimpse of fear over what was to come. I don't know exactly how this news made them feel as, however close we are, we don't really discuss feelings in that way but we all took yet another deep breath and agreed no more could be done until I had seen the Consultant and got a treatment plan. For me, the overriding feeling is to protect my family and I knew I needed to appear strong for them, however, alone in the early hours of the morning I am just terrified.

I have been on HRT for 14 years having had a full hysterectomy at the age of 40. I know I have reached the time when the menopause starts to raise its ugly head, but following a discussion with my GP, we agreed that I could stay on my HRT for as long as I wanted to. Unfortunately, while this has postponed my menopause and kept me on an even keel, it has probably contributed to my breast cancer diagnosis. This makes me feel a bit stupid, I don't know why, I did know there were risks but never really thought it would happen to me I suppose. This would be a good point to say again 'PLEASE CHECK YOUR BOOBS!' Stopping HRT immediately means I will proceed at speed into a full blown menopause and, together with my RA symptoms, it's just an added problem that I can do without - I feel truly blessed! And life carries on.

30th-31st March 2021 - Telling My Family

Easter was fast approaching, hence my follow-up appointment not being until 8th April. I wanted to wait until a treatment plan was in place before telling the rest of my family but we were due to have a Post Lockdown family reunion on Easter Sunday, so now I had to make the decision to either tell everyone prior to the date or just say nothing. We are quite an open, close family so we decided that I should tell them now.

The thought of imparting this awful news hurts my heart - I am the strong one, I look after everyone, but I was totally out of my depth here.

The first people I need to tell are my mum and son and I knew I had to do this in person. My son is very sensitive and takes things very much to heart so I knew he would struggle with the news. As for my mum, I was so worried. I didn't want to upset or worry her - she is nearly 80 and she just doesn't need the stress - but I know it has to be done. I text them both to ask if they can pop over as I have something I need to discuss with them. They duly arrived, both curious as to what I needed to say - one thing is for sure, they would never had imagined this news.

We now go through a hauntingly familiar process, where I sit them down and break the news, trying to give as much information as possible. Once again I see the shock, the slump of the shoulders, the pain in their eyes and my heart breaks for the distress I am causing them. After a few moments of shocked silence, I realised where I get my resilience from when mum says 'Ok, we will get through this. It's difficult to make any plans until we have further information but we will get through it and we will be with you every step of the way'.

Conor looked heartbroken and was very quiet - luckily his partner Deb was with him for support - he agreed that we would beat this together and I would not be alone. Ever.

I'm sure their thoughts were all over the place and they still needed to process everything, but they still managed to put me first and made me feel loved and supported.

I then FaceTimed my brothers to break the news to them. I think the news was particularly hard for my older brother as he takes his role of Big Brother very seriously and always wants to protect me. My younger brother, while obviously shocked, agreed that we cannot take control of the situation until we get a treatment plan and further information from my Consultant. One of the best things he told me was that now everything is about me and what I feel and need. It is my decision who I tell and how I tell them and I am not to be concerned about hurting anyone's feelings and that we would get through this together.

This support from my immediate family was so welcome and calming. I'm sure many a conversation went on between them but to me they immediately put me first and went into protection mode - not unexpected but so very welcome. And life carries on.