20. 27th July - 15th August 2021 - Cycle 3 - Emotional Breakdown

Preparing myself for Cycle 3 and thinking that after this one I will be half way through is a strange feeling. I have had my Covid and blood tests and the day before treatment I have a telephone consultation with an Advanced Practitioner Nurse. He is happy with my blood results, my Neutrophils are higher than either of the first 2 rounds. Some of my results are still low compared to a fully healthy person but they are acceptable to proceed with treatment. My feet have started to peel a bit which can lead to a nasty side effect where the skin peels off in shreds that bleed and can cause infection. He tells me to get the nurse to check it tomorrow but I think it’s ok - I moisturise too much!

On the morning of my treatment day my lovely cousin D sends me this little personal poem on the family WhatsApp group:

Today my beautiful cuzzy is walking up to Harry’s Rock.

The path isn’t always easy but she’s wearing the right shoes and socks.

She’s got inner strength and grace which come from her family roots.

And when she makes it to the top she will shout

‘Don’t say welly boots!!’

It makes me laugh and also chokes me up a little and when mum arrives to take me to the hospital she tears up and says it made her cry when she read it - the only time she has since getting my news. It may not seem much to others, but the words mean so much to my family - very personal and very heartfelt and lovely.

I arrive at the MacMillan Centre and go through the usual checks of temperature, blood pressure and weight. I have put on more weight this week, it’s really depressing, I can see how much bigger I’m getting and can feel how much fitness I am losing but I also have to remind myself that there is nothing I can currently do about the situation. I really struggle with how some patients are able to function perfectly normally, they still work, still exercise, eat well etc, but I am just unable to. I am so tired and feel so unwell a lot of the time, exercise is impossible, I even struggle to walk regularly. I am eating really badly, just because everything tastes so bad but to fight off the nausea I have to eat - and a piece of fruit just won’t cut it. It’s really hard to remain positive, but I try to be kind to myself and just go with the flow.

I am called through and the nurse checks my feet and thankfully gives me the all clear - this was one of the side effects I definitely didn’t want! Cannulation is straightforward for a change and things move efficiently. I have my Trastuzumab injection and the Docetaxel is set up - an hour later I am free to go.

Day 2 and the metallic taste returns along with continued red flushed steroid cheeks. I am a little tired but manage a dog walk which was lovely - I do have that sick sense of foreboding though, knowing that things will start to get worse over the next few days. I don’t mean that to sound negative, as if I’m not helping myself, it’s just a fact - it’s chemo and it will have side effects.

Days 3 and 4 are not so good, I feel exhausted and also very nauseous despite taking regular anti sickness drugs. I am a bit low just knowing that this will last for a few days and whilst I don’t feel dreadful I do feel generally bleugh.

Day 5 is the day that it all hits me and I have a mini breakdown. It’s early Saturday morning and I am the only one up. I feel really poorly and I’m just so fed up with the treatment, the injections, feeling so sick, knowing how long this will go on for, wondering if it will actually work, fearing I may die, so many thoughts and feelings that just overwhelm me. I start to cry and sink to the floor. I seem to be crying from the depths of my soul, I can’t remember ever crying like this. Real gut wrenching sobs that I just can’t stop. My poor little pup, Bebe, was so concerned, he just sat next to me barking and barking until Sophie came down to see what the problem was. She found me in a heap on the kitchen floor and immediately took control. She held me close, whilst trying not to get her face too close to me (stupid Covid!). She calms me and Bebe down and tries to get an idea as to what has pushed me over the edge. I seem to be focussing on the state of the house, how untidy and dirty it is and she puts a plan in action to make things better. Once I’m calmer I video a massage for the family to explain my mini breakdown and they all say they can’t believe I have been strong for so long. My little brother, C, arranges for a cleaning company to come in and do a deep clean for me - hopefully the old adage ‘tidy home, tidy mind’ will prove beneficial to me. I have to say I really wish I had organised a deep clean before my treatment began, I don’t have a cleaner and it’s not something I have ever thought about, but looking back this would have made a big difference I think.

Days 6 to 12 bring the delights of oral thrush, sore joints, more night sweats, fatigue and the ever present metallic taste and sore tongue, although I do seem to feel better than than last cycle. Perhaps the fact that my bloods were better is helping me through this one. I don’t feel great, I have forgotten what it is like to feel well, but it’s manageable. I am still very emotional, and whilst I am enjoying watching the Olympics, I am crying rather a lot!

Day 10 brought a lovely 6 paged letter from the NHS and the Government advising me that I am registered as someone who needs to shield but that shielding has now ended. As things are now opening up more, they advise that I may want to take a bit more care and maybe not mix with others wherever possible. I mean, really? I’ve barely left the house for months other than for hospital appointments! What an absolute waste of money - especially as they followed up by sending the exact same information by email!

I am very concerned about Covid, I would like to get out a bit more on the days that I’m feeling ok but with the relaxation of restrictions I just won’t take the risk. I’m not even hugging family and friends - it's a very lonely and frustrating time, however, Day 13 brings a little trip to my brother’s house for dinner and a game of cards. It is just what I needed and did me the absolute world of good - out, out but not in public, perfect!

Days 14 to 20 pass pretty much as normal, I potter, I rest, I feel ok and I keep reminding myself that I am now half way through my chemo treatment - how is that possible? I go to the hospital for my Covid and blood tests and try to prepare myself for Cycle 4. And life carries on.